ever listened to a chest with no heart beat?

it's quite unnerving.

guess i'm a real doc now.

never the little girl who dressed up as a bride...

i find it both fascinating and sickening that i desire such a ceremony, an attachment.  there are countless days i look in the mirror and wonder why it's just my own reflection staring back at me.  i literally have to say to myself that i'm a fully accomplished, independent woman who is apart of a very secular profession.  medicine still weilds a power...and i'm apart of that.

so why do i stare at my hand blankly...or why do i immediately look on ring fingers and make another mental mark of some strange secular group that i'm not apart of.

it's not the  ring or the ceremony but simply what it all represents.  i'm not sure if all problems will be magically fixed...but for some reason i think it couldn't possibly hurt.  it might possibly be the only anchor i can possess.  the more i sit and listen to him the more restless i realize he is...and has always been.  and even all that has been said and done...maybe it's just not enough...i'm not enough.  which means then...

i have very real thoughts as of late if in this lifetime i'm meant to have my fairytale ending.  maybe it's not written in these cards this time around.

Outpatient - the double edged sword

i'm finishing up my second week of outpatient and it's wearing me thin.

not sure why it is so tiring.  no overnight call but it's so weirdly hectic.

i swear someone in my continuity clinic is trying to slowly kill me with this patient load.  it's sad when the 8 yo with pretty much no brain is your easiest, most well adjusted, well taken care of patient.  i don't mind social issues but really...i need time to address social issues. 

i think on call and on the floor...there's time to address problems and really build a rapport.

the EC is busy.  luckily I for to incise and drain an abscess today.  super cool.

relationship woes

just need to vent...

i thought this week was suppose to be a happy one.  i think i've been looking forward to a "normal" phone conversation with my boyfriend for a good 14 months.

but it would seem that even that expectation is too much at this point.

am i missing something?  i'm not suppose to be crying this much....i'm quite sure of it.  but i am.

i'm trying not to be that "crazy" clingy girlfriend.  in general...i think i'm not..but is it too much to ask for something greater than 10 minutes?  i finally get my best friend "back"....but something's not right.

i am trying to decide if it's just him adjusting to being back in the states and attending to the immediate stresses at work and also attempting to settle himself back into his living quarters/routine... or if he's emotionally changed to the point where i don't know him.  or maybe it's me?  a lot has happened in the last 2 months on my end....

i know that i'm a bit of a self centered person...but really...i do think i deserve a little more than what i've been receiving.

is the distance finally cracking us?  i wonder if i'll ever be happy?

i know i should just let him cool down and leave him be...and wait for this next weekend when i go up for a visit...but in the mean time...i'm tired of my eyes looking puffy.

Firsts

I had to bag my first baby at 5 am while attempting to run a mini code...alone...I have never been so scared in my life.